Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
