Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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