woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
