Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
