OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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