I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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