Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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