Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
