I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
