you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
