in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
