i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
