Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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