Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
