The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He's on the porch naked. Help.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
