i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
