I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
