If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
