No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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