Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
