Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
