First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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