so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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