i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
