you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
