Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
