I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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