You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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