Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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