Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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