I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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