Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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