While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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