The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
