Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Rumble strips road head = magical
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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