if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
