chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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