that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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