Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
