I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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