spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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