last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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