Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?