When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
