Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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