Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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