I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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