My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
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i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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