the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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