so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
