We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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