I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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