Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
