She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
