I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
