The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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