We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
