So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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