I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
