An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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